身為(常常被一知半解的人誤認為大女人主義者的)女人，我好像不應該翻譯這篇男人寫給女人的守則齁？不過說實在的，即使身為女人理當站在女人這邊，下面的確還是有幾條守則是女人應該看看的。嗯，深呼吸，放鬆心情，看看男人在想什麼吧！
We always hear “the rules” From the female side…. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered “1 ” ON PURPOSE!
男人老是會聽到一堆女性守則...現在輪到男人來定規矩啦！請注意：以下每條守則的重要性都是第一條！
1. Men are NOT mind readers. (FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. 男人並不會讀心術，不要叫我們跟妳玩猜心！ (首先這是最重要的守則)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. 學學怎麼用馬桶座吧，妳是個大女孩了。如果馬桶座是掀起來的，要用就把它放下來啊。男人上廁所本來就得掀馬桶座、女人本來就得放，但妳從來沒聽過男人抱怨女人上完廁所不掀馬桶座吧！
1. Sunday sports or news, it’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. 週日運動節目和新聞就像滿月或潮汐一樣神聖不可侵犯，別阻止男人看。
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. 眼淚攻勢是一種勒索。
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
1. 妳想要什麼就開口要。咱們在這裡說清楚點：
Subtle hints do not work!
微妙的暗示不管用！
Strong hints do not work!
強烈的暗示不管用！
Obvious hints do not work!
明示當然也不管用！
Just say it!
要什麼直說！
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. 基本上妳所有的問題都能用Yes No來回答，別叫男人回答申論題！
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. 當妳是真心想解決問題時才找男人幫忙。這就是男人的做法。想博同情討拍拍請找同性友人訴苦去。
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. 男人說的話只有六個月的賞味期限。事實上，不管我們說過什麼，七天後就自動失效了。
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. 如果妳覺得妳很胖，妳大概就是胖。別問男人妳到底胖不胖。
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. 如果男人說的某句話有兩種解釋，而其中一種會讓女人悲憤不已，那我們真正的意思絕對是另外一種。別想太多。
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. 請男人幫妳做事和教男人怎麼做事，妳只能二選一，不能兩種都要。如果妳已經知道事情怎麼做最好，不會自己動手做嗎？
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials…
1. 拜託妳如果有話要說就等進廣告再說好不好......
1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. 全世界最早發現紐澳兩洲的航海王庫克船長不需要問路，咱們男人也不需要妳指路！
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. 男人的眼睛只能分辨16種顏色，就像Windows最低階設定一樣。舉例，甜美蜜桃是一種水果，不是顏色。可人南瓜也是一種水果。天曉得微醺淡紫又是什麼碗糕！
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. 哪裡癢就抓哪裡，這就是男人本色。
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. 如果男人問妳怎麼了而妳說沒事，我們就會當妳真的沒事。我們知道妳在耍傲嬌，但懶得浪費時間給自己找麻煩。
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. 如果明知男人給的答案妳不想聽，妳卻偏要問這個問題，就請準備聽到妳不想聽的答案。
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .
1. 如果我們要一起出門，妳穿什麼都都好......真的。
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Cars.
1. 別問男人現在在想什麼，除非妳準備討論足球或汽車這類話題。
1. You have enough clothes.
1. 妳的衣服夠多了。
1. You have too many shoes.
1. 妳的鞋子夠多了。
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. 林盃身材很好。虎背熊腰就是好身材！
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
1. 感謝閱讀本守則。對，我懂，我今晚又得滾出臥房睡沙發了，但其實咱們男人根本不在乎睡沙發，懂不懂？睡沙發就像露營一樣，好玩得很咧！
P.S. 我當然知道世界上有很多絕不會用上面這些守則來為難女人的謙謙君子，也覺得這些守則中有很多條是自我中心又不懂體諒的幼稚想法。不過，遇到男人這種神奇的生物，我寧可先準備好面對比較糟的一面，然後慢慢享受倒吃甘蔗的甜美，也不願冒著隨時都可能美夢破滅的危險，好傻好天真的活在所有男人都是白馬王子的浪漫泡沫裡。這應該是我想要翻譯這類文章的真正原因吧。以上。
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